A week ago (week 12) we had our first ultrasound. Our first opportunity to see if there was in fact a living, breathing person developing inside of me. And here it is. Amazing.
The following info is quite personal and a glimpse into the beginning of all of this. The whole reason I do a blog is so I can keep a little journal/scrapbook for our family. So, for all others who read it, I guess you are coming along for the ride.
As soon as we found out Trey was a boy Damon and I were thrilled that our family was complete. Girl and boy. Perfect family, perfect house for a family of 4, perfect everything. I never once thought I could be the type of mom that could keep it all together with a large family. I'm talking about my sanity as I'm sure you figured. Nothing is more important to me than my family and I want to be the best mom I can be. Once Bailee and Trey were in our lives we were very content. However, after Trey was born I remember laying in the hospital bed when the impression/thought came to me that I would be doing this again. The previous night was incredibly difficult with the new baby and I was exhausted. After 2 difficult pregnancies, Bailee's fight for her life as a baby, not to mention just giving birth, I dismissed the thought as far away from me as possible. I know that people have way worse pregnancies than me, but they were still hard enough that it was a huge factor in us only having two kids. Over time the thought would return and I would dismiss it again. Eventually the feelings came more often and I felt strongly that I needed to tell Damon. I definitely didn't want to. These weren't baby hungry feelings I was having and I knew Damon was just as content as I was with our family. Not to mention I had two major concerns. First, that he would say not a chance in the world. What would I do then? I wasn't going to try and talk him into it. 2ND concern was that he would agree. After my cousins mission homecoming down south we had a 3 hour drive back home. We were talking and laughing at funny names we thought my sister should name her baby. Since we were talking about baby names I nervously mentioned what I had been feeling. Someone else was waiting to join our family. Damon said he hadn't felt the same thing, but he trusted what I felt. I didn't really know what to do and I was far from ready to be pregnant again. There is something that sticks out in my mind more than anything in that conversation. First of all, my faith isn't always as strong as it should be and sometimes I question my relationship with my Savior. Not always, but sometimes. I was doubting if whether or not the impression I had was real since Damon hadn't been feeling the same. Damon told me that there is was a definite reason why the Lord had been telling me and not him. That there was a reason why I had been impressed by things several times in our marriage but not him. He was seeing the Lord's trust in me and love for me. It's good that I have Damon around for when I can't see the things right in front of my face. Anyway, a problem did arise from all this. Damon said if it's gonna happen we should do it now. I was still in shock that he didn't freak out, and my thought was that this would be happening in a couple years. Because we felt so differently about the timing I didn't bring up our conversation again for a while. We eventually compromised. Running the marathon in June was important to me so we decided to start trying as soon as it was over. I was a little nervous that this little spirit, obviously wanting badly to come here, would come right away and I still didn't feel ready. However, after trying for a little while, I started getting more and more anxious and excited. Part of the reason why was seeing Damon's excitement. On December 18Th, our 11Th wedding anniversary, Damon begged me to take a pregnancy test. I was hesitant since it was still a little early but Damon thought it would be worth it just in case it was positive, and that would be the greatest anniversary gift ever. Well, I took the test and yes, it really was the greatest anniversary gift ever. Perfect anniversary, really. And perfect timing for a Christmas surprise.
So, back to the ultrasound. All 4 of us surrounded the monitor waiting to see the little life within me. Bailee just as eager as I was. Baby #1, 2 or 3, it's just as exciting each time. Just as unreal and miraculous. We saw the little heart beating away and we saw the baby move a little. I didn't want to stop staring at the screen. This little person has had such a strong presence in my life already. Either it picked us or just has to deal with us, who knows. Either way, we're all quickly falling in love with it. I'm so grateful that I had that impression 4 years ago. I'm so grateful that Heavenly Father is patient and understanding, even through my doubting times. I'm so grateful that I will never be given up on.
Pregnancy so far. I believe that Heavenly Father knew that being pregnant again was a big test of faith for me. This pregnancy has been wonderful. I have a long ways to go and always have that pregnancy uck feeling, but no morning sickness. What? I don't know what pregnancy feels like without my face always over the toilet. I've been keeping a food journal and exercising 6 days a week to make sure I'm helping my body along with the process as much as possible. I think that has helped immensely since as soon as I eat poorly I get queasy. I love how I get to share this experience with the man I love. The type of man I pictured having a family with since I was little. I love how excited Trey is, and I absolutely LOVE how excited Bailee is. I keep thinking that this baby will wonder which one of us is the mom when it gets here. Bailee kisses my stomach several times a day, talks to it, and knows practically day to day facts about baby development and pregnancy facts. Example. "Mom, you're only in week 7 but your pregnancy amnesia shouldn't start until about week 12. I think you already have that." Seriously. How amazing will it be to have her around with a baby?! The next thing I am beyond anxious for? In 2 or 3 weeks when I can start feeling the baby. I just have to keep reminding myself to savor each moment. We'll only be at this exact stage of our lives once.
